who am I anymore?
by Minkey222
Summary: Merlin doesn't know anymore. As more time goes on, he realizes who he is and that he will never be free until he takes matters into his own hands. He finally realizes that it is time for this dragon to take flight. [four shot] sucidal!Merlin Caring!Arthur. rating T for sucidal and self destructive theme.
1. Chapter 1: who am I?

**I am so sorry about this, but the plot bunnies. They made me do horrible things. If you don't like it, then don't read it. Plain as. **

**Summary: Merlin doesn't know anymore. As more time goes on, he realizes who he is and that he will never be free until he takes matters into his own hands. He finally realizes that it is time for this dragon to take flight.**

**[four shot] sucidal!Merlin Caring!Arthur.**

**rating T for sucidal and self destructive theme.**

Who am I?

Merlin took the dagger that Arthur had given to him for defense and twirled it in his hands. Arthur would never know that his gift ws going to protect Merlin from himself. The dagger was covered in intricate designs and jewels. It tuwas othing compared to some of Arthurs other possesions but to Merlin, it was the most expensive item that Merlin owned.

As he sat on the top of the highest tower overlooking the courtyard, Merlin thought. He thought about how good it would feel to finally be free of his shackles that restrained hims to a life of lies and secrecy. He sat there for a long time, looking out over Camelot. he watched as others started to prepare for the on-coming winter. One winter Merlin would never come to see.

Merlin took the dagger and stedied it over the pale flesh covering his left arm. He sat still as he recalled all the words that he felt the magic he possessed described him as. With the blade in hand he started to carve the words into his unscarred flesh as soon as they came into his head. 'Evil', 'vile', 'monster', 'magic', 'freak' were the words he heard the most.

He stood up, dizzy from the loss of blood, and shuffled towards the edge. He stared down into the cold, dark abyss below him with wide, piercing blue eyes, unblinking. He turned around, dropping the hastily written note onto the floor infront of him. He breathed a heavy and relief filled last breath.

He thought about how finally this dragon got to take flight.

He pushed and he started to descend from the great height. Before he could hit the ground he could see a vague image of a blond man on his knees. Was he crying? Arthur.

The end came quickly for Merlin and the darkness shrouded him. He could finally be at peace.


	2. Chapter 2: Who are you?

**Sorry, I truly am. I promise. Now it is time to find out how Arthur feels about this :) *evilly laughs***

Who are you?

Arthur was having a really bad day, today. First his stupid excuse for a manservant hadn't arrive and therefore didn't bring Arthur his breakfast. Since Merlin didn't bring him his breakfast or wake him up he was hungry and late for a council meeting. Despite that he still made it to the meeting, stomach growling. He would have to deal with Merlin later.

Once he had left the grand hall he headed back to his chamber grumpily. He was enraged to find that Merlin still wasn't there. He grumbled obscenities as he walked toward the court physicians shared chambers ready to give the worthless idiot a good talking to. He was used to him being late but never skipping almost an entire day. He was angry alright, but he was also starting to worry, though he would never admit it.

He opened the door to Merlin's chambers, only to be met with a confused Gaius. "Is all well, sire?" the old man asked as Arthur met his gaze

"Don't be funny with me Gaius. Is Merlin here? Or has he spent too long in the tavern again?" Arthur asked with a grunt.

"I'm afraid not sire. I was under the impression that he was with you. This morning he left for your chambers." The old man asked again even more confused.

Arthur was defiantly worried and he could no longer hide it.


	3. Chapter 3: Why would you do this now?

**I am still sorry! I am shrugging my responsibility for my main fic but the plot bunnies have me tied to my chair and I am being forced. I really hope that I wont need to remind you that all reviews are welcome. Yes? I promise that I will add another chapter to 'why does this always happen to me?' soon and I promise that this fic will be finished soon and that I will slam these darned plot bunnies into the floor and they wont bug me for a while. only one more chapter after this now *tears***

**Love you my fans *Wink***

Why would you do this now?

Arthur ran around the castle, searching every alleyway, alcove and tapestry for his incompetent manservant. After searching everywhere for Merlin he decided to give it a rest. Perhaps Merlin was missing for a reason. Perhaps he didn't want to be found. This wouldn't surprise Arthur if Merlin only wanted alone time. Everyday since Arthur had met Merlin he saw the glint in his eye slowly go duller and duller. He watched as Merlin got lower and lower. He watched as he put up a facade when he was around everyone but when he thought no one was watching he would take it down only to reveal his true raw emotions. Arthur felt he knew why Merlin was acting like this. He thought it was because of the things that Merlin had been through, the things he had seen, battles and fights, betrayal and loss all resided somewhere deep inside his goofy, happy -dare he admit it- _friend_. But Arthur knew nothing of the goings on inside the young warlocks mind.

After an unsuccessful search, he decide to turn in. Although he was filled with dread and worry and thoughts turning for the worst, he headed towards his undoubtedly Merlin-less chambers. He was almost at the set of stairs leading up towards the royal chambers, when he heard a frighteningly familiar scream. Gwen? What was Gwen screaming about. That's when he heard the words he hadn't prepared himself for. "He's going to jump! Someone get him down!". Oh No. No it can be... It cant be Merlin. He ran as quickly as his feet could carry him to the courtyard. He arrived only to be late and seeing someone fall from the great heights.

Arthur couldn't remember when he started running again, all he could remember was the crunch of someone, Merlin, colliding with the hard cobblestones down below and running towards them. He was nearing the corpse and he stopped. No. It's all far too real. Why would he wan't to? He feel to his knees next to his friend. His brother even. and gently picked his bloodied and limp body and cradled it next to his chest. Oh gods the blood. The blood was everywhere. On the streets. On himself. On Merlin. Everything was now a blur. He didn't remember calling for Gaius. He didn't remember hold Gaius close as he watched his ward on the ground, broken, dead. He didn't remember carrying the corpse back to his chambers. He didn't want to remember any of it. It would make this all real.

Gaius cleaned Merlin up and changed his soiled clothing. Arthur felt his heart stop when he saw the young boys forearms. Written in cuts, in his own hand where awful, horrible words. Is this what Merlin had thought of himself. He thought himself Evil, a monster, vile, a freak. No. No this can't be, not Merlin, the boy who didn't have an ounce of hate in his body. Not Merlin who could never be a monster or a freak. He screamed out of frustration and left. He had to calm down before he punched something. The tears he had been trying to subdue where finally falling. His eyes were irritated and red.

he started walking, walking anywhere as long as he could get his mind off of what had happened. He walked aimlessly for about an hour until he found himself at the top of that awful tower. The one that Merlin had thrown himself off of. The sight made Arthur sick to his stomach. There was more blood on the floor. More of Merlin's blood had been spilled. The tool of choice, the dagger Arthur had given him for self defense. He gagged at the sight. He was about to leave and run to his chambers when he caught sight of a small envelope on the ground near the edge. He looked closer at it, whilst trying to avoid the puddles of Merlin's blood staining the floor.

Arthur looked closer and he almost fell over in shock. The envelope had Arthur's name inscribed on it. In Merlin's hand. This was his goodbye. He picked up the small letter and pushed it into one of his pockets and left. Never looking back. Just walking to his chambers as if nothing had ever happened and that Merlin was about to walk through the door any moment now. Arthur reached into his pocket and pulled out the small letter and opened it and began to read.


	4. Chapter 4: Merlin's Letter to Arthur

_ Dear Arthur,_

_I trust that if you are reading this, I have been successful and my spirit has lead you to this letter._

_This Arthur is not my goodbye. There will never be any goodbyes Arthur. Never._

_Arthur you may be blaming yourself for my death and I wish to inform you, you are not the reason for my death._

_You will probably be asking yourself why you hadn't noticed, or if you had noticed why you hadn't spoken up. It wouldn't have changed anything and I am glad at the outcome of this. It was my time Arthur._

_I am finally free of the shackles that once bound me._

_Arthur I write this letter not to say goodbye, not to spill my reasons. All of my reasons I shall take to my grave and I already have._

_Arthur I must admit something to you. I have been lying to you for sometime now. In fact I have been lying to everyone that I know since the day I step foot into Camelot._

_I am a sorcerer Arthur. I am not just a sorcerer Arthur, I am Emrys, the most powerful warlock to have walked the earth. I was born with magic and kept it well hidden for many years. The magic I was born with runs through my veins as much as my blood. _

_Now that my blood has been spilled so has the magic. It has drained from my system, I am just Merlin now. Stupid, idiot Merlin._

_I write this with tears in my eyes as I know that I will never know your reaction to my revelation, but if you have any questions ask Gaius or the druid, they will tell you all you would need to know._

_I will now leave to join my father, Balinor, my Freya and my kin._

_There are many things that you may have not known about me before, so I will try to summarize it the best I can._

_I am Emrys. I am the most powerful warlock to have touched the earth. I was born to serve the once and future king, Arthur Pendragon until the day that I may fall. I was born so that I may usher in a new age of Albion, where my kin and yours may walk the earth freely._

_I am the son of Balinor, the last dragonlord. I myself was the last dragonlord once my father had passed and I now make my gift extinct Arthur. I released the great dragon from the caves. I only did to save the last of my kin, Killgharrah, the last dargon. I brought a new life to this world, in the form of a small white dragon Aithusa. The great dragon Killgharrah, still lives and will be well aware of my death by now, he will not harm your or Albion due to my mercy._

_I am the Lover of a druid girl by the name of Freya. She was cursed by a witch to become a Bastet at the stroke of midnight and was forced to kill. I did not see her as a monster, I saw her for the beauty she truly was. You killed her Arthur and I do not blame you for her death. She now resides as the lady of the lake, in the lake of avalon._

_I place the sword in the stone for you Arthur. For you and only you._

_I have saved your life and Camelot more times than I can remember. I have only used my magic you you and Camelots safety._

_My eyes Arthur. My eyes have seen many a thing, many a thing that a man of my age should not have had to have seen._

_My shoulders carried a heavy burden, one that I found too heavy to bear._

_All I have left to say now is thank you. Thank you for your friendship and loyalty._

_I must go now Arthur, but you will see me soon and we may rule over Avalon, like we did Albion once, along time ago._

_This dragon will soon take flight._

_ Merlin_

Arthur read each word, unsure of what to think. Tears flooded his eyes. Even in death Merlin would try to cheer me up. Arthur did not feel betrayed nor did he feel angry. He only felt peace. He laid Merlin to rest in his mind and slept.

**Awww that ending tho :) I have now slain those pesky plot bunnies and I can now finally sleep. Please remember to review. BTW this is set in a time just before Albion but Arthur never died I guess. Still. I should go to sleep now. It was the first day back at school after all today. ****sleep tight my fic babies.**


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